


Though Your Breath Racks Your Ribs and You Throb with Pain; There's a Juice on My Lips for Each Purple Stain

by SexyCoinkiDicks



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bleak, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, On the Run, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 11:10:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16993908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SexyCoinkiDicks/pseuds/SexyCoinkiDicks
Summary: Todd swallows, Adam's apple bobbing tightly. He sweeps his hand up, mirroring the motion on Dirk's throat. “Here?” He doesn't need to ask. He's only pinpointing the spot where he's starting to feel the pain form in himself.Dirk doesn’t say anything this time. Just nods, muscles twitching under Todd's hand. Todd rubs there a few more times, up and down, imagining the pain knotted at Dirk’s neck like a tie, imagining his fingers smoothing it flat. Dirk hasn’t worn a tie in so long. Or a jacket brighter than his weather-beaten grey bomber. It’s like he’s missing pieces. Perhaps some Todd can’t even see.In which Dirk shows Todd where it hurts.Angsty emotional smut, based loosely on a scene from the play Kiss of the Spider Woman (VERY loosely- no prior knowledge needed!)~Transferred from my primary Ao3 account~





	Though Your Breath Racks Your Ribs and You Throb with Pain; There's a Juice on My Lips for Each Purple Stain

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, I'm back and I brought emo porn with me.
> 
> So, I've been playing around with this one ever since I saw Sam in Kiss of the Spider Woman (which was a _beautiful_ production in every single way and I wish there was a way I could engrave every second onto my heart). There were so many beautiful bittersweet scenes, and this is based on one of them. I'm not sure exactly what universe this takes place in, but it's safe to assume that it's canon-divergent from some point, and that a lot of other characters have met unspecified bleak or grisly fates. Of course, maybe if I ever wrote the AU fully they'd turn out to be totally fine and just making their own way, but for now I Need The Angst.
> 
> Specific content warnings: near panic attacks, implied character death/kidnapping/whatever angsty scenario you make up, Todd-typical low self esteem, anal sex (Todd is topping physically but bottoming emotionally, y'know, 'cuz it's Todd), unprotected sex and less-than-ideal conditions, improvised lube (which is better than the actual play ok I wanted to _scream_ when that guy went in raw and I know the rest of the audience was with me), general angst abounding. It's a mess, but it's... something.
> 
> Enjoy, I guess?
> 
> The title for this one comes from the song 'Do Miracles' from the soundtrack of the KotSW Musical (which I have not seen but have listened to in its entirety- interesting take on the source material! No take will ever be as good as the take I saw, but I appreciate a Tune.)

Sometimes it's an alarm that wakes Todd in the morning. Sometimes birds, or cars, or even the yells of an angry groundskeeper demanding they get the hell out of his shed.

It's never been the quiet sound of sobbing before.

Todd opens his eyes, and blinks away the bewilderment as he finds a lot less in front of them than he expected. It takes him a moment to realise it's because the sky beyond the tattered curtains is still pitch black. As his eyes adjust he picks out some things, just hints here and there- a table, a chair, a crooked frame, a broken mirror. Edges traced in pale silver by the waxing moon.

And there, in the corner, the sloping, shuddering curve of a shoulder.

“Dirk,” he whispers, not daring to go for the light- power's probably cut off anyway. “Dirk, you okay?”

He thinks Dirk nods, but the movement doesn't negate the soft, broken noises that drift over.

“Dirk,” he says again, daring to raise his voice just a little. When he gets no response he sits up, pushing aside the moth-eaten blanket and crawling on his hands and knees towards the hunched figure of his friend. “Dirk…” He hesitates, hand reaching out, wanting to touch but not knowing how or why. “Dirk, look at me-”

Dirk tenses the second he makes contact. But he doesn't flinch away. Todd leaves his fingertips there, lightly brushing Dirk’s bare shoulder beside the grubby fabric of his once-white singlet. Even in the darkness he looks a mess- life on the run doesn't suit him.

“Hey,” says Todd softly, not daring to move. “Tell me what's wrong.”

Dirk falls into deathly silence a second, taut as a tripwire beneath Todd's hand.

And then he breaks.

“ _Hurts_.”

Todd catches his breath. He's never heard a voice so shattered. “W-what? What hurts?”

“All of it,” Dirk whispers, bowing his head further. “All of it. I'm sick of the running, and the hiding and lying and fighting, I just- I want it to stop. I want it to slow down, I want-”

“Hey,” Todd mutters urgently as Dirk's voice began to rise. “Hey, calm down- you're okay. You're gonna be okay.”

Dirk’s already shaking his head. His hand, balled in a white-knuckled fist, flies up to cover his eyes. “It's never going to stop,” he says, voice choked and raw. “I just want it to _stop_.”

His breaths are coming in shorter and shorter, his sobs becoming hoarse and hollow. He shakes like a leaf, ready to twist away on a fickle breeze.

The thought fills Todd with a cold dread he can't begin to name.

He doesn't know what to do. They've been doing this for... god, he doesn't know, three months? Four? And it's the first time he's seen Dirk crumble like this. First time he's let the mask drop for more than a second. And he's so fucking woefully unprepared to deal with it. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do. He doesn't know what he _can_ do.

“Dirk,” he murmurs, carefully laying the rest of his hand on his shoulder. He has to try, he has to try... something. “Lay down. Just- yeah. Yeah, that's, that's good, okay, just…”

Dirk simply allows himself to be pushed down, back flat against the floor. They couldn't rustle up anything better to sleep on than than a thin, dusty futon, but he's not in a headspace to complain right now. He shakes under Todd's touch, like it's too much- or not enough.

“Hey,” says Todd, trying to look him in the eyes, but he keeps them hidden from view. “What can I do? Huh? Dirk, how can- how can I help you?"

Dirk whimpers helplessly, rubbing furiously at his eyes with the heel of his hand. “Hurts…” he repeats, word hanging heavy in the air between them.

Todd takes a deep breath, thinking on the choice of word a moment. Deciding that a panic-stricken Dirk is a literal one, he follows up with a carefully pitched: “ _Where_ does it hurt?”

Dirk sniffs, still not looking up at him. “Chest,” he says quietly, shaking his head slightly. “Just- just spreads in my chest and, and pools in my throat and I can't breathe, I can't-”

“Okay,” says Todd with a small, determined nod. His hand drifts over from Dirk's shoulder, skating across his collarbone to rest, palm down on his clavicle. He feels the rapid motion of his chest falter. “Here?”

When Dirk nods, he rubs his hand in small, soothing circles on the spot. Then wider, wider to graze the tense join of his neck. “Here…?”

Dirk gasps, soft and vulnerable, and nods again. “Yes…”

Todd traces over the spot again, cheeks burning with shame. Images flick across his vision like a slideshow- images of his hands, pressed against this same spot. Bunched in rage, tangled in fabric, not pushing but pulling as he forces himself nose to nose with Dirk and his stunned stare. Of flinching back, releasing him with rage and guilt and humiliation bubbling beneath his skin as Dirk recoils, violently, hurt flashing across his features even as he schools them into a benign smile.

God. Dirk deserves so much better than to be stranded with an asshole like him.

But he's not gonna get it. Because they're stuck. Both of them, stuck on this road until... something. God, he doesn't even _know_ how this ends. Doesn't know how it _can_ end. With the whole world after them, with the life they knew in ruins, how can this possibly end? How can they ever be...

Todd swallows, Adam's apple bobbing tightly. He sweeps his hand up, mirroring the motion on Dirk's throat. “Here?” He doesn't need to ask. He's only pinpointing the spot where he's starting to feel the pain form in himself.

Dirk doesn’t say anything this time. Just nods, muscles twitching under Todd's hand. Todd rubs there a few more times, up and down, imagining the pain knotted at Dirk’s neck like a tie, imagining his fingers smoothing it flat. Dirk hasn’t worn a tie in so long. Or a jacket brighter than his weather-beaten grey bomber. It’s like he’s missing pieces. Perhaps some Todd can’t even see.

He tries not to think about it, concentrating on the motions of his hand, working out the tension- real and psychological- restricting Dirk’s breathing. “It’s okay,” he murmurs, circling down to Dirk’s chest and back up again, slow and steady. “You’re okay.”

Dirk breathes in. It’s rough, and rattling, but at least it’s deep. “Thank you…”

“It’s… it’s okay,” says Todd, ducking his head. He doesn’t still his hand. “It’s the least I can do.”

After a few more deep, fighting breaths, the air rushes from Dirk's mouth in a sigh. "God. I'm sorry, Todd, I'm sorry-"

"Wha-no. No, don't be sorry, Jesus, it's... it's not your fault."

"I shouldn't be- sorry, I'm overreacting, I'm-"

"No, you're not. It's okay, it's-"

"It's _not. Okay_."

The sudden strength in his voice stops Todd's mouth and motions dead in their tracks.

As soon as the moment of renewed strength comes, it passes, Dirk visibly deflating. "Nothing is okay," he says, turning his head away from Todd, still hiding behind the wall of his hand. "Nothing is... even in the general bloody _vicinity_ of okay. Nothing may ever be okay again."

It's exactly what Todd was thinking, but he still feels the need to argue. Classic them. "No, c'mon, it's... we can figure this out. We always figure it out, right? The universe will take us where we need to go and eventually everything will be fine!"

"Yeah, for _me_ it will," says Dirk, voice as hollow and brittle as driftwood. "I'll survive somehow. I'll just do whatever I'm bloody supposed to do and then just go... wherever I need to be next." He tenses beneath Todd's hand. "And you..."

Todd doesn't need him to finish the sentence. He doesn't know where Todd fits in this equation. Doesn't know if whatever magic or voodoo or fucking algorithm that protects him extends to his friends. Honestly, after what happened to... well. Todd's starting to have his doubts, too. He wants to reassure him. Comfort him. Tell him that's insane and he'll be around no matter what, but...

Dirk sighs a sigh of pure, heavy defeat. "I... I can't be alone. Again."

His chest barely moves beneath Todd's hand. He kneads the tense muscles, slides back up to his throat and the knot of sobs yet to escape. "You've managed it so far..."

"That was _before_. I never had anything to compare it to, but now, I-"

He chokes. Todd soothes the lump in his throat with his fingers. "Yeah," he says, barely a whisper. "I know..."

It lasts a while, the silence. He's not sure exactly how long. At least five minutes. Maybe five hours. Who can fucking tell anymore- seconds feel insubstantial, these days. Each and every one feels like borrowed time. But the sobs breaking the quiet eventually slow, until there's nothing left but the whisper of Dirk's laboured breathing.

And eventually, slipping timidly out into the open, his voice.

“Can I…” he says, soft as a feather, leaning up on his elbows. “Can I touch you?”

Todd freezes and for a long, long moment, he doesn't know. He just doesn't know. He hadn't considered it, hadn't been angling for it, is pretty sure he shouldn't take it or even _want_ it, not _now_.

But he's always been a selfish bastard.

“Yeah.”

For a moment, nothing changes. His hand keeps moving, tracing the tense lines of Dirk's neck, in time with the beat of his heart. In line with the pain in his chest.

And then, with hesitancy, Dirk's shaking hand covers his.

Todd breathes out, ragged, exhausted, relieved. God. He didn't... he didn't _know_. How much he missed it. A hand on his. In his. Skin. Heat. His fingers tighten, bunch in the fabric over Dirk's heart, clinging on for dear life.

After a moment, Dirk's hand begins to move. Just his thumb, tracing circles on Todd's knuckle. It's so light, barely there, but it feels... important, somehow. Heavy. Crushing.

Todd leans down, drawn by... something. Drawn until his forehead rests on Dirk's chest, just at his collarbone. Until his lips brush the back of Dirk's hand in something that almost, _almost_ , feels like a kiss.

Another indeterminable moment's silence passes. It feels like they're moving in slow-motion towards something. Something Todd's scared and ashamed to want. Something he's going to take nonetheless, if Dirk wants him to.

And then Dirk sits, gingerly, back curving as he leans heavily into Todd's space, holding his hand close over his heart before it can drop away. Curves until his face comes to rest in the crook of Todd's neck, breath ghosting across his skin. Until he can nuzzle into the line of his jaw, his other hand drifting up to Todd's chest to press, explore, mimic the motions Todd makes on him. Following his lead.

After a few minutes of the gentle push and pull, Dirk lifts his lips to Todd's ear. "If you want..."

Todd's heart rockets. He tries to calm himself, keep himself in check as Dirk searches for the words he wants to say.

"If you want... anything," Dirk whispers, ducking his head again. He doesn't look Todd in the eye. "You can take it."

"...What?" Todd mutters, dumbly. That… didn't sound right.

"I mean, if you- if you want me," Dirk clarifies, hand twisting in Todd's sweater. "Or want anything from me, it's- it's yours. If you want it. Anything. It's- it's fine if you don't!" he hurries to add, noticing and entirely misunderstanding Todd's horrified stare. "I know I'm probably not your first choice but... you can pretend I'm someone else. If you want. I don't know if that would make it... better? Easier."

"Dirk," says Todd, voice hoarse. Dirk flinches, and Todd curses himself. He sounded angry. He _is_ angry, just... not at Dirk. Just at whoever made him think it was okay to talk about himself, to _treat_ himself like that. "Please, just… don't. Don't talk like that."

"Right," Dirk breathes, shaking his head. He slowly unpicks his fingers from Todd's sweater, avoiding his gaze. "Right, yes. I'm sorry, that was- that was too much. Sorry, forget I said anyth-"

"No, I mean..." Todd sighs, capturing Dirk's hand and bringing it back to his chest. "I just mean, don't... don't talk about yourself that way. Like you're disposable or something, you don't, you don't owe me anything- you don't owe _anyone_ anything."

He turns his head, buries it in Dirk's neck. "I'm not going to pretend," he says, heart hammering in his chest. "I'm here with you, and that's... that's where I wanna be."

Dirk's breath catches. "...Oh."

"And- and I don't need anything from you," he says, squeezing Dirk's hand. "Nothing except knowing you're here."

"...Do you... _want_ anything? From me?"

Todd doesn't reply. It's pretty obvious what the answer is. Dirk breathes in deeply.

"Then take it."

"Dirk..."

"Todd."

"We're not- we're not going to do anything you don't want to-"

"I want to."

The words spark like electricity up Todd's spine and he shivers- with anticipation or apprehension, he can't be entirely sure. "Are you-?"

Dirk's hand drops from Todd's, finds his neck. He cups his jaw, cradles the back of his head in his palm and pulls him close, breath dancing over the nape of his neck as he breathes right down it. "I'm sure," he says, soft yet certain, fingers twitching. "I want this. I... want you."

He pulls back, looks up, meets Todd's eyes for the first time in what feels like an eternity. "Do you want me?" he breathes, eyes dark, lips parted.

Todd doesn't need to think twice.

"Yes."

Dirk licks his lips. Todd follows the motion helplessly.

"Then have me."

When Dirk pulls him in, Todd goes without a fight. When their lips meet, he crumbles. When their mouths open, the world slips away.

Todd clings to Dirk like a drowning man clinging to a lifeline, licks into his mouth desperately seeking more, more, _more_. He's pretty fucking sure this isn't something they do. Pretty sure he shouldn't want it as much as he does. But it's been so long, so lonely. So fucking long since he had a hand to hold, lips to kiss, a warm body above him, beneath him, wrapped around him. It's intoxicating. Something about being _touched_.

" _Todd_ ," Dirk breathes, accent wrapping neatly around the word, rolling it off the tongue. Todd trembles.

Something about _Dirk_ doing the touching.

Dirk's hands drop from Todd's neck and chest, down to his waist. He hooks his fingers through his belt loops and tugs. "Off," he murmurs, between kisses.

Todd isn't about to argue.

He reaches down, fumbling with his belt buckle. It would probably open easier if he looked at what he was doing, but Dirk's not slowing down on the kissing and he's not going to either. He gets there eventually, yanking the stupid thing open and moving on to his button and zipper without pausing for breath. He feels Dirk's body shift and fidget as he does the same, divesting himself of his belt, shimmying his hips as he drags his pants down over them. Todd pulls away a second, and freezes.

Dirk blinks at him, dazedly, as if caught in a daydream. His hands continue to tug, shedding the ill-fitting corduroys- and his underwear with them. Todd watches, red-faced and open-mouthed, as his half-hard cock springs free. He can can only catch outlines, nothing clear, no colour to be found in the weak silver glow of the moon. Just impressions. Shadows.

Reading his mind, Dirk leans in close, pressing their foreheads together. "I wish I could see you," he murmurs.

Todd nods, hands coming to rest on Dirk's thighs. "Me too..."

Dirk rolls his hips, thigh muscles tensing and relaxing under Todd's palms, and sighs. His hands find Todd's waist again, fingers sliding under the slackened waistband. He pushes, and Todd lets him, shivering in anticipation as more and more skin is exposed to the dry, dusty air.

Satisfied with Todd's jeans half way down his thighs, Dirk abandons them to explore his newly bared skin. Todd can't help but tremble as his fingers trace his hip bones, the curve of his ass, the thin line of hair from his navel to his dick, already hard and needy and waiting for stimulation. Waiting for Dirk, in whatever capacity he wants.

When Dirk tightens his hold, fingernails biting into the flesh of Todd's hip, the force twitches him forward. He gasps as his cock grazes Dirk's abdomen, tense beneath his t-shirt with the effort of keeping himself upright. Not as soft as it once was, lean from months of stress and fear and scraped-together supplies. Not that he ever felt it before but, well, it _looked_ soft, those times he saw it peeking out from beneath his dorky pyjama top when he stretched out on Todd's couch like he owned it. Maybe he was imagining things, projecting; sometimes he looked at Dirk and felt like there wasn't a hard surface or sharp edge on him.

He always re-thought that moments later when Dirk made a sarcastic remark about his music taste.

And he was starting to re-think it again with that lean stomach pressed up against him, those strong hands holding him close, and tight. And, after a shift of his hips and another sigh, the stiff nudge of his cock against his thigh.

Yep. Nothing soft about that.

Todd whines in the back of his throat, ducking in to attack Dirk's lips again- unlike the rest of him right now, they’re just as plush and inviting as advertised. They yield to him willingly, eagerly, hot, wet, soft, _alive_ , matching him move for move, sigh for sigh.

"Todd," Dirk breathes, voice rough with need, with _want_. "I want..."

"Anything," says Todd, without hesitation. He almost wants to laugh at how quickly the tables have turned- just moments ago, Dirk had been offering the very same thing. Well. At least they're both on the same page. "God, just... whatever you want, just- don't stop."

He doesn't try to hide the rawness in his voice. The vulnerability. It's there, clear as day, as clear as it is in every startled whimper and hesitant breath that escapes Dirk in the darkness. They're in uncharted territory, both of them. This could be the best night of their lives- or the biggest mistake. Knowing them, probably both.

But whatever 'this' is, it can only work with all their cards on the table.

Dirk's grip tightens, then softens, hands stroking thoughtfully, fretfully down Todd's hips and thighs.

"I- I don't ask this a lot, but..." Uncharacteristically, he seems to be struggling for words. "That is to say, I often prefer it, um, the other way, but..."

"Dirk," Todd whispers, pulling back to press their foreheads together again. "It's okay..."

Dirk fidgets his hips, taps his fingers on Todd's thighs. "I'd-" it comes out a little choked. He clears his throat, and tries again. "I'd- I'd like you to fuck me. If, if that's alright."

Todd's breath catches, his dick twitches. His hands fly up, gripping Dirk's biceps to steady himself.

He doesn't think there are words for just how alright it is.

"Yeah," he rasps, nodding for precisely no one's benefit except his own- they can barely see each other in this light anyway. "Yeah, that's... yeah. Except- shit, wait, no, we don't have any condoms or-"

"I don't mind," says Dirk quickly, thumbs rubbing circles on the inside of Todd's thighs, driving him to distraction. "I mean, that is to say... if you don't. I mean, I take it you're-?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah I'm, I'm clean. And you-?"

"As a whistle, last time I checked. Which was... well, a while ago, but I haven't been, um. Partaking."

"Yeah. Yeah, neither."

"So..." Dirk's voice trails up and off, hopefully. "Yes?"

Todd wants so badly to agree. But one of them has to think about this, just a bit- he guesses it may as well be him. "Lube. I don't want to hurt you."

Dirk falls silent a second, and Todd doesn't need to see his face clearly to know he has his brows scrunched in deep thought. Then he pats Todd's ass lightly, quickly, in a brisk 'stay here' motion that excites Todd as much as it bewilders and riles him, and reaches out for his rucksack where it leans against the busted radiator. He hauls it close and yanks open one of the stiff zippers.

Todd doesn't know why he's even surprised when his hand emerges with a travel-sized bottle of lotion. Why shouldn't Dirk be prepared for _this_ , of all things? "Are you sure that's-?"

"It'll do," Dirk insists, pressing it into Todd's hand. "I'll be alright, just... _please_."

It's the desperation in his voice that finally breaks him.

Heart in his throat, Todd swallows it down, and nods. "Okay. Okay, yeah. Let's do this."

Dirk sighs, as if a weight's been lifted from his chest. He ducks in, trailing warm, grateful kisses over Todd's collarbones, hands stroking up and down his arms as Todd flicks open the bottle, spreading plenty of lotion on his fingers. It's not ideal, but... he'll just have to do his best.

Todd searches out Dirk's eyes in the dark, meets them as he lowers his hands. With one he finds Dirk's cock, palms at it clumsily. With the other he travels lower, between Dirk's thighs, grazing several sensitive spots as he feels around with his fingertips.

" _Yes_ ," Dirk breathes, shuddering, tilting his head back as Todd's fingers find his entrance.

He's so responsive, so eager. Todd has to remind himself to go slow, take his time preparing him- when it feels like their time's so short, it's hard not to fuck like it. But this is a less than ideal situation they've got going on, and he has to do the best he can. "Tell me if it's too much," he whispers, sinking one slick finger into Dirk to the first knuckle. "Promise me."

"I promise," Dirk gasps, back arching as Todd sinks in another inch. "Just... just don't stop. _God_ , please don't stop..."

He doesn't intend to.

Todd groans, burying his face in Dirk's neck as he carefully probes, presses, exploring, stroking, stretching. He doesn’t usually do this for other people, but he’s had enough practice on himself. One knuckle, then two. Inch by inch, sigh by sigh.

When Todd crooks his finger just so, Dirk moans so loud it's almost enough to make Todd worry about their cover being blown.

"Todd!" he cries, hips arching into his hand. "Oh my-!"

"Shhh," Todd murmurs, nuzzling into Dirk's neck. It breaks his heart to silence him- he wants to hear him, wants to draw out every ecstatic yell and filthy cry that he can, wants to count and compare them. But four months looking over his shoulder have taken their toll, and he's not taking any chances.

Fortunately, Dirk catches on quick. When Todd pulls away it's to find Dirk, head tilted back into a soft shaft of silver light, eyelids closed and fluttering like moths as he bites his lip to keep himself quiet.

Swear to _god_ , his heart almost stops.

He only realises he's been caught dumbly staring when Dirk wiggles his hips impatiently against his frozen fingers. " _Todd_ ," he whines- a lot quieter than before, but it's still unmistakably bratty. Christ, of _course_ he’s bratty in bed. Or… on futon.

Coming back to his senses, Todd resumes his slow preparation. After a moment he slips out, adds some more lotion, and soon enough he's going back in with two fingers, carefully working Dirk open stroke by torturous stroke, enjoying every whine, every twitch, every ragged breath.

It feels like he could do this forever.

But Dirk is anything but patient.

"T _-odd_ ," he pleads, arching invitingly, digging his nails into Todd's biceps. "That's enough, I'm- I'm ready."

"You sure?" Todd whispers, drawing his hand back, reaching one final time for the bottle.

Dirk curves inwards, tucking his head against Todd's chest. His hair tickles his chin as he nods. "Yes, I'm- I'm sure. Please, just... _please_."

There's an edge of desperation to his voice- aching, longing. Todd meets his gaze in the gloom, startled by his intensity, another question on his lips.

A question Dirk silences with a fierce, biting kiss.

It's wild, it's fiery, it smoulders in the darkness and melts Todd like candle wax. It creeps in, slow and heavy like molten lava, burning away Todd's words along with his doubts, his concerns, anything he had left to hold him back.

"Please," Dirk repeats, nipping at Todd's lower lip, a tight, sharp dig. "I need- I need you. Need to feel-" a pause, a kiss, a long breath shared between them " _Full_. Of you, of- of _something_. Please."

It may be the first time Dirk's asked politely for something in his life.

If Todd doesn't reward it fast it may never happen again.

He kisses back frantically as he fumbles with the bottle, squirting just about as much as he can into his hand- god, this is _so_ far from ideal. He should be taking more time, using real lube, doing this somewhere warm and comfortable and not on a fucking dusty futon in the abandoned house they're using as a one-night stop on the road to wherever the fuck they're going. This is wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like-

He freezes, lips stilling against Dirk's, hand dripping lotion onto the tangled blankets as it hits him that holy _shit_ , he had fucking _ideas_ of what this was supposed to be like. Actual ideas, which he subconsciously formulated at some point before all... _this_. Ideas about what it would be like to do this with Dirk, of what he'd do, what he'd use, where they'd be when it happened.

"Todd?" Dirk whispers, pressing a quick, searching peck to the corner of his mouth before pulling away to peer at him in the dark. "Are you alright?"

"Did..." Todd stares back, wishing he could see him better- for various reasons. "Did you... _know_ this was gonna happen?"

The moonlight shimmers on Dirk's hair as he cocks his head. "No..."

"Did you... _hope_ it would?"

"...Well. Maybe not _this_ , but-" Dirk reaches up, smooths out Todd's eyebrows with his thumb. He hadn't even realised he'd been scrunching them. "Something _like_ this. Why?"

"Huh," Todd murmurs, staring at his hand. "...Me too."

Dirk's hand creeps out, meets his, fingers twining, smearing lotion between them. His other catches Todd by the chin, tilts it up, catches his lips in a hesitant kiss, as if he's half convinced that this is where Todd freaks out and backs down and tries to relegate all this to a late-night act of temporary insanity.

But for the second time in his life, Todd doesn't quit.

He regains his footing, returns the kiss firmly, and guides their joined hands down to his dick. He disentangles his fingers from Dirk's and takes himself in hand, gasping at the coolness of the unwarmed lotion on his hot skin. But the discomfort barely fazes him- he's come too far, now. In too deep. He slicks himself up, as quickly and comprehensively as he can.

And then Dirk's hand, still slippery from Todd's, joins in.

Todd breaks their kiss on a gasp for air, head falling into the crook of Dirk's neck as they work blindly together, until the lotion's warmed beneath their hands, until he's so hard and hot with wanting that he's thrusting helplessly into their hands, chasing what little friction he can find in the slip and slide of their palms.

When Dirk drops his hand, palming at his own cock as one more broken " _Please_..." escapes him, Todd knows he's done for.

"Okay," Todd breathes, nodding into Dirk's shoulder. "I'm ready."

Dirk places both his palms on the futon to drag himself backwards, just a few inches until his back hits the wall. He reaches around for a cushion, and ends up with his own balled-up hoodie, slipping it between his lower back and the cool plasterboard. Settled comfortably- as comfortably as he can be, anyway- he lets his legs fall apart, lets Todd crawl into his space and nudge them apart further. Runs his hands- one dry, one slick, both hot to the touch- soothingly up and down Todd's sides as he gets himself situated, kneeling between his legs, half-draped across Dirk's chest as he feels around, blindly guiding himself to where he needs to be.

"Okay?" He says, choking on the word as he nudges against Dirk's entrance.

Dirk nods, hands sliding up, gripping Todd by the shoulders. "Okay," he affirms, and _god_ , Todd can hear everything in that one little word. The fear, the want, the sadness, the determination. Optimism, cynicism, dread and hope and bubbling excitement, all bundled up together in two sweet little syllables. He's ready. He's waiting. This is it.

"Todd?"

Todd looks up, startled. Dirk searches him out in the gloom, squeezes his shoulders, and smiles. _"_

 _Don't panic,"_ he whispers.

Todd laughs breathlessly, shaking his head. "Y'know, that's the most sane or rational thing you've said to me in months."

Dirk chuckles too, pressing his forehead delicately against Todd's. "Better late than never, eh?"

The words make something sad twinge in Todd's chest. Thoughts about where they might be now if they'd taken this step earlier. Feelings of regret at the time they've wasted, and how little they may have left.

Better make the most of it.

"Yeah," Todd breathes, kissing Dirk tenderly on the lips. He takes his hand. "Yeah, it is."

And with a deep, steadying breath, a warm kiss and a gentle thrust, he pushes in.

Dirk clenches around him almost immediately, back arching, fingers digging into his shoulders tightly. Tighter than Todd expected- he hisses between his teeth and freezes half way, trapped in place by Dirk's hands, his legs, the tight, tense heat of his inner muscles. He waits, body taut with anticipation as Dirk pants into his mouth, adjusting to the stretch.

After a moment of gasping, of quiet laced with heavy breaths and heavier anticipation, Dirk nods. Short, quick, hair flopping into his eyes, tickling Todd's face. He loosens his thighs' death grip on Todd's hips, spreads himself gingerly open.

Todd takes a hold of his hip, steadying him with one hand, stroking him back to full hardness with the other. He swoops in to pepper his lips and face with kisses, keeping him as comfortable and engaged as he can as he begins, slowly, to sink in the rest of the way.

By the time he bottoms out, Dirk's initial wince of discomfort has subsided and he's groaning in the back of his throat, trying in vain to roll his hips against Todd's restraining hand, take him in further. Chasing something he wants, a feeling he knows Todd can give him with the confidence of a man who's done this before- and the impatient sloppiness of one who hasn't _had_ to in quite some time.

" _Todd_ ," he whines, digging his fingernails into his shoulders. "Get a move on!"

Todd rolls his eyes, and pulls out with a grunt. " _Jeez_ , you're a pain in the ass."

"Actually, I think technically you'll find it's _you_ who's the- _oh_!"

Huh. So there _are_ some things that can stop Dirk's wisecracks in their tracks. Such as a kiss on the lips and a dick in his ass.

Shame there's no way to employ that in everyday life without getting some kind of public indecency fine.

"Mm," Dirk murmurs, returning the gestures. A kiss for a kiss, a thrust for a thrust. " _That's_ more like it..."

Todd jerks again, burying himself deep in Dirk's tight, clinging heat and effectively silencing him once more- which is fucking sorcery in itself. Combine it with the feelings racing along his own nerve endings at the sensation and he's honestly starting to wonder if he's died and gone to heaven.

"Todd," Dirk whispers, voice thick with lust and pleasure as he tilts his head back, exposing the smooth column of his throat to the patchy moonlight. He hums happily in the back of it as Todd dives in, explores it with his teeth and tongue as he rocks in, out, in- " _Fuck_. God, Todd, you're- you're _much_ better at this than I thought you'd-"

The backhanded compliment breaks around another gasp. It feels like an invitation for a sarcastic retort, a bit of banter. But honestly, Todd's too overwhelmed to take the bait just now. It's kind of hard to form a clever remark with Dirk's inner muscles basically squeezing the life out of him, his nails biting fine crescents into his shoulders. His thighs, soft and supple and paler than the moon, falling aside readily to give him more room, take him in as deep as he can go. His heels, digging into the small of Todd's back insistently, urging him deeper, _deeper_.

It's official; this man is going to be the death of him. And not in the way he originally thought.

Todd grunts, overwrought, and grips Dirk's hips for dear life. His control's slipping, his slow, deep motions caving to his desire to go faster, harder. If he doesn't reign it in the marathon will give way to a sprint and he can't shake the feeling that he needs to try harder, _do better_. Take his time, dig deep, coax Dirk to his climax before he can even begin to think about his own race to the finish line.

Christ. He _hates_ being a good person.

Dirk's fingers flex. He breaks his grip on one of Todd's shoulders to find his jaw, stroke it with his thumb, tug him close to whisper in his ear.

"Go on," he says, and Todd can hear the smile in his voice. "I know you want to."

Todd shakes his head stiffly. "N-no, I can-"

"Todd," Dirk breathes, fingers tangling in his hair. "Do it. I can take it, I- I _want_ you to. It's okay."

It really doesn't take anything more to break Todd down. He's only human, for Christ's sake.

He whines into Dirk's hair, holds him tight, and gives in.

Dirk gasps and whimpers as Todd redoubles his efforts, picking up the speed, driving in faster, deeper, harder. His nails dig into Todd's shoulders, scrambling for purchase, his heels press in tight. Soon enough Todd can barely pull out, wrapped so tightly in Dirk's body and embrace he's finding it hard to tell where one of them ends and the other begins.

He feels Dirk's head fall onto his shoulder. Feels his choked, breathy whimpers and cries as vividly as he hears them, rippling out like aftershocks every time Todd thrusts and drives him back against the wall.

Jesus, they might literally tear this place down.

" _God_ ," Dirk's voice cracks on the word, crumbling under the onslaught to his senses. He's overwhelmed, overwrought, bursting at the seams and Todd knows the feeling.

Groaning into Dirk’s hair, he inhales the sweat-rich smell of his straining body, the crappy soap he stole from the last motel they crashed at, all while his ears are filled with the sounds of him falling apart, and wonders how much longer he’ll last. Wondering if he’s gonna beat him to it.

He stops wondering when Dirk’s lips brush his ear and his voice, rough and heavy with promise, whispers: “You _must_ let me return the favour next time…”

So much for holding out for Dirk.

Todd comes so fast and hard it doubles him over, air punched out of his lungs as he buries himself one last time in Dirk’s welcoming heat, one hand pressed to the wall by his head for support, the other clutching Dirk’s ass as he rides it out with shallow thrusts and choking gasps.

“ _Todd_ ,” Dirk breathes, something like wonder in his voice. “Did- did that just-?”

Embarrassed and breathless, Todd nods sheepishly against Dirk’s shoulder. “Y-yeah. Sorry, I wanted to-”

Dirk interrupts him by clenching, whimpering, and finishing all over his stomach.

Todd starts, fingers curling into a fist against the wall as the warm wetness bleeds through his sweater. _“Fuck.”_

Panting softly, Dirk runs his fingers down from Todd’s shoulders, tugging at the abused fabric of his sweater on his way down to hold his waist. For once, he doesn’t say a word; just lays, hot and pliant and spent under Todd, fingers playing along his sides lightly as he takes a pause to let his breath catch up to his body.

Todd melts into the gentle, soothing pressure of his fingertips, the tension in his body releasing. He has enough residual presence of mind to turn over a little as he sags, sliding out of Dirk and onto the futon beside him so as not to drop his entire weight on top of him. He winds up kind of half-draped over him anyway, arm and shoulder hanging over his lap, head rising and falling with his chest, but he’s not complaining.

Right now… right now it feels like he could stay there forever.

“So, uh…” he mumbles, blinking at the ceiling. “...Better?”

He doesn’t know which of them starts laughing first. All he knows is once they start, it feels difficult to stop. He bites his lip against it, trying to keep it quiet, feels Dirk making the effort, too, but he can still hear his breathless giggles in the dark, a little manic, a _lot_ disbelieving. Todd isn’t looking up at him, but he can see in his mind’s eye the way Dirk’s pressing hands to his mouth to muffle his sounds while his eyes glitter above them and it fills his chest with a warmth he’s not used to feeling.

It takes some time for them both to settle down. Todd isn’t a rush to get them there; he’s not gonna cut the first honest to god laugh they’ve shared in months short for no good reason. He’s not in a rush to chase the lightness from his chest. Instead he turns his face into Dirk’s stomach as it twitches, closes his eyes against the pale moonlight. Maybe if he can just not say anything, not _do_ anything, they could just… stay here.

Maybe if he closes his eyes and denies hard enough, they’ll never have to face the morning.

Fingers card through his hair, nails scratching at his scalp. “Todd…?”

He mumbles in acknowledgement, leaning into the touch- he never knew how much he missed it. How empty he’s been without it. How much better it is knowing it’s Dirk, his restless fingers, his quick, curious body. How can he ever _un_ know this, now? How can he ever survive without it if...

Dirk’s other hand comes up to his face, cupping his chin, tracing his cheek with his thumb and slicing the thought short, quick and careful as a craft knife. “Thank you,” he whispers, barely audible even in the silence of their hideaway. “I… really needed this, I think.”

Todd shakes his head, catching that hand, cradling it. “I- no, I didn’t- _I_ should be th-”

“Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“Do shut up for once.”

Todd snorts. “Yeah. Yeah, okay, that’s fair.”

Switching their hold, Dirk catches Todd’s hand and lifts it to his face, pressing the lightest kiss to his wrist. “Better…”

He doesn’t know if it’s praise for his surrender, or an answer to earlier, but he doesn’t need to. It doesn’t matter right now, it’s just… just words. All they _have_ nowadays is words, seems like all they’re allowed to carry with them wherever they go. Maybe they don’t… _talk,_ the way they should. If this really was as inevitable, as mutual, as long-awaited as it seems right now, there must be a lot they keep below the surface, but… they have tomorrow for that. Or however many weeks, days, hours it is until their luck runs out. They can talk anytime- it’s the _only_ thing they can do anytime, all they have left that no one’s taken away.

But this… maybe they can have this, now, too. For a little while.

Todd sighs, heart rate easing, the matching tattoo of Dirk’s singing him slowly to sleep. “Dirk?” he mumbles, consciousness already drifting away.

“Yes?” Dirk answers, petting the sweat-dampened hair back from Todd’s forehead.

Sleep is calling to him, every second of exhaustion from the last restless weeks crashing down on him, but he pushes on. He needs to speak now, before the morning comes and the moment’s over.

“Any… anything you need, Dirk. Anything you _want…_ ” he breathes, swallowing past the vulnerability. “It’s yours. I’m… _I’m_ yours. If… if that’s what you want.”

Silence falls a moment, darkness calling sweet promises to Todd’s exhausted mind, and he thinks for a while that maybe that’s the end of that.

“I want…”

Dirk’s voice is so quiet, so soft as to almost disappear entirely. Todd strains to hear it, certain somehow that it may be the most important thing he ever hears.

“I want… _everything_ with you, Todd Brotzman.”

His sluggish heart skips, and for a second- a dazzling, dizzying second- the world feels a little lighter on his shoulders.

For a second, the idea seems so possible he could _touch_ it.

He curls tighter into Dirk’s side, wrapping himself in his warmth, in the bright spot of golden light and hope he represents. Presses his cheek to his fluttering heart like a conch shell, ready to let the waves carry them somewhere better.

“It’s yours,” he whispers, tongue heavy in his head as sleep claims him, warm and insistent as the hand in his hair and the heartbeat in his ear.

_It’s always been yours._

 

* * *

  

Of course, nothing’s _really_ changed. He knows that. Their situation is every bit as dire as it was twenty minutes ago and he’s rational enough to admit it, thank you very much.

But with Todd Brotzman’s sleeping head held to his heart, their exhausted bodies slotted together in sleepy solidarity, the pain seems to recede, if not entirely subside. For a change the ache in his body is pleasant, almost decadent. For once their cramped, uncomfortable quarters is a reason to move closer, not push and vie for space.

For once the dust in the air is the _only_ reason he’s having trouble breathing.

Now, for a change, the only weight on Dirk’s chest… is _him._

He looks… peaceful. Tired, of course- he seldom looks different, even since _before_ they became full-time vagabonds- but for the time being, at peace. Dirk thumbs under his eye, tracing the purple, bruise-like shadows from memory in the dark. Wondering what it’d be like to see him entirely unburdened, well-rested and happy, nothing round his eyes but laugh lines. He wants that for him. For both of them.

He meant it, of course. What he said. Even though Todd’ll most likely try and rationalise him out of it in the morning, guilt himself out of a good thing, Dirk meant every word. He wants everything with Todd. Every little thing he can get. He wants this again, probably. He wants it the other way round, _definitely._ He wants every other fun, exploratory, sordid little thing they can think of; if it exists, and they’re both game, he wants it. He wants all the dates they never went on, all the rituals they never witnessed. He wants all the moments in between, no such thing as too mundane. After all this, this absolute _wank_ they’ve dealt with, he thinks a bit of mundanity is the least they deserve. A chance to catch their breath, once and for all, no more looking over their shoulders, no more emergency bags under the bed.

However, if this is all they can have… he’ll take every second. Happily. A thousand times over.

Todd’s hair feels so soft under his hand, his head so warm and real on his chest. The quiet _whoosh_ of his breathing breaks against him like tides on a distant shore. Maybe, if he just holds on tight enough, gives himself over to the waves… maybe they’ll both wash up somewhere a little greener.

But, Todd wouldn’t waste his thoughts on something so fanciful. Perhaps _he_ shouldn’t, either.

Thoughts and fancies aside, facts only… he can breathe again.

He sighs, closes his eyes, lets the gentle ebb and flow of Todd’s breathing begin to coax him, ever so softly, to sleep.

_“Better…”_

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is somewhat different to the type of thing I usually post but I felt like I needed to do it. For my Soul, y'know?
> 
> If you made it to the end of this and enjoyed it (maybe too strong a word but w/e) I'd love to hear from you, y'all know your comments give me energy to write, and with how big a lot of my WIPs are right now I sure need the booster <333 
> 
> (And for the anon who sent me a request for bottom!Todd- it's in the works and it's My Jam but for now I hope emotional bottoming sufficed ^^)
> 
> Til next time! <3


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